For Jamie and Jen

1 yr ago

1 yr ago on May 1st my little boy left my life. As I watched him struggle his entire life he brought new meaning to the phrase "proud parent". I was so very honored to be his mommy and to call him my baby. Ryan is amazing. The day before he passed was a difficult day for him. He was restless, uncomfortable, in pain. We did everything we could to make it better for him. I asked his doctors why he wasn't going into a peaceful coma. The reply "because it's Ryan and he will do things his own way" and he did. This little boy slept with a raging 105 fever all day. His heart rate was 200+. But he slept somewhat comfortably all day. His nurse left. I went in and the time had come. He grew restless, he started seizing. I picked him up and rocked him, talking to him hoping the sound of my voice would comfort him as his daddy made him comfortable. It was so apparent he was fighting.....fighting to leave me. Fighting to leave the pain, fighting to be free from disease. To which he did. In an instant he raised his arm and touched my face staring at me until he won. Forever my hero. Forever my baby. Words can not express how much you are missed and loved. My heart will always be broken.

“If there ever comes a day when we can't be together keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever”
-- A A Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

When Ryan was born Kevin used to tell me how I had this indescribable bound with him. I knew exactly what he needed at any moment and it was very obvious. Not that I loved him more then my other boys it was a different bound he used to tell me. I didn't see it. Maybe my subconscious was taking over and my heart knew before my head did that he would leave me way too soon. I don't know. As time went on and we spent every waking minute together it was apparent that I needed him as much as he needed me. Funny, a mom needing her baby to lift her spirits and tell her it was going to be alright. And he did many times. The day he went to be trached. We were sitting in the preop room. I was holding him. Wondering if the doctors were right and he wasn't going to get off the operating table. I had held it together up until then. As I started to cry he reached up and touched my face. That continued throughout his illness. When I was upset,sad angry at the doctors he knew. He would touch my face or lean on my shoulder and pat my back. He even found the strength to do it before he passed away. As his was leaving me he looked at me and reached up to touch my face. Always taking care of his mommy in his way. Telling me it would be alright. I only got to spend one Mother's Day with Ryan and I will treasure it as I do with everything about our time together.

Mother's Day 2007

On April 17 last year

we brought Ryan home on Hospice. The wonderful doctors and nurses at Virtua(and his Pediatrician) made this possible. Without there support and love for our family(and especially for there Ryan) that wouldn't have happened. Here are the last pictures of Ryan in the hospital and with his second family!



Ryan and his respratory therapist Uncle Mike


Ryan and nurse Sonya
Ryan sleeping
Ryan and nurse Marie
Ryan and nurse Jill
Ryan and his Dr. Chris
Ryan grumpy!
Well now what an angel!


Ryan and his best buddy Shane

Happy Easter!!!

Easter was on March 23 last year. We were once again at our favorite place(not really). I decorated your room and windows.. Your nurses joined in the fun as well and helped.Couldn't get the docs to(but thats ok you know what docs loved you the most!) Some of the PICU parents and I were shocked that the PICU floor wasn't visited by the Easter Bunny or got a small basket or something. But... you did. Daddy visited and I remember you were awake for a short while but were not feeling well at all and kept us all busy that day. You didn't like the little easter bunny I gave you. You kept pushing it away. Too big for a baby toy I guess!:) Hopefully you have all the bunnies you could ever want with you now and maybe you and Connor and the other kids are just laughing the day away. Much love my noodle.

1 yr ago today

1 yr ago today